Ah, this is more like it..

Coming off of a somewhat disappointing review of Emma Starr, I needed someone to re-kindled my hope and faith in the modern porn industry.

 

Okay, okay, it wasn't that bad.  But it's my blog, and I'm allowed hyperbole now and again.

 

Anyway, I did need something different to wash the taste of..

 

Nah, too easy.

 

(can you tell I'm in a bit of a mood?  I blame the painkillers- long story, don't ask- now let's see if they make me a better writer, or just more annoying..)

 

Next up in the review que is Roxy Jezel.  An import from across the pond (mom's British, dad's Thai), you may recognize her name from the second season of Jenna Jameson's  Jenna's American Sex Star competition (and yes, you read that right- a Brit won.  ::snerk:: ).  Those of you who like your porn more on the hardcore side of the line probably recognized her name right off the bat, you naughty things you.

MILF? No, thanks..

I had a meeting with a supervisor once that went.. poorly.  Afterward, as I was discussing it with another coworker, I made the comment "If I'd given her a list of things guaranteed to utterly piss me off in a meeting, she couldn't have done any better." 

I react very similarly to porn.  Quick poll:   Raise your hand if you consider yourself a pornography snob.

::looking around::

Just me?  Honestly?  Hmph.  Impossible.  Perhaps this is one of those situations like my class on multiculturalism where the prof asked us to raise our hands if we thought we were prejudiced, and he and I were the only two to do so.

It's okay to admit it, darlings.  Would it make you feel better if I used a less.. loaded word?

Okay.. we all have things we like, and things we dislike, and things we outright avoid.  That makes us.. discerning.  And if we carry that discernment a tad further to 'I prefer that the things I expose myself to fall into this category,' well, that just means we don't like wasting time searching out decent porn when we're horny and need to get off.

Example the first: I am the Hitler of grammar nazis.  Shocking, I know.  :)  Few things take me out of a written fantasy faster than poor spelling/punctuation/etc., and nothing frustrates me more than wanting a good orgasm and instead ending up railing against the current state of education in this country.  On the erotica site I read regularly, I won't open anything that has less than a 4.1 rating because I know I'll be wasting my time otherwise.

Example the second: I like my video-based porn as close to realistic as possible.  It took me a bit, but I eventually got over the 'WTF??!??' reaction to immense, artificially-inflated breasts (though I still have a fleeting thought of 'What department of the Army Corps of Engineers is in charge of manufacturing her bras??').  The recent trend of excessive spitting (and I make a distinction between drooling and spitting) still squicks me out, but.. some people like that kind of thing, obviously.  We are all unique little porn-consuming butterflies.

I put all this out there in advance of my review of Mrs. Emma Starr's oeuvre, because perhaps I'm being a bit harder on her (heh- see what I did there?) than another reviewer would be.  It is possible, even likely, that poor Mrs. Starr is an unfortunate victim of my porn snobbery.  Certainly the fact that a woman not much older than me is allowing herself to be tagged as 'mature' is not doing much to inspire any benevolent feelings toward her.  :)

The future of internet porn is *here*

Those of you who read my review of the talented Sasha Grey (be sure to watch her on G4 TV on December 6th hosting the Australia Sexpo) have already been exposed (heh) to one of my new favorite video sites. Those of you who haven't, DON'T YOU DARE skip down this review to find out what the site is so you can visit now. I'll never get you back here. :) Read first, *then* review.

Think of it as foreplay.. I'll get you to the denouement, I promise.

In case you've never thought these sorts of things through, here is a (non-exhaustive) list of your basic (non-print-media) porn truths:

1. If you're purchasing it on DVD/CD (or, god forbid, VHS), it gets ridiculously expensive. Plus it's a bitch cleaning sticky DVDs and remote controls off.

2. Renting it is expensive, a bit embarrassing, and becoming more and more difficult as the nice little Mom and Pop brick-and-mortar stores are eaten up by Netflix.

3. If you're just starting out, you don't really know what you like yet. This leads to potentially winding up with DVDs that you're Just. Not. Into. Or worse, that scare you off porn altogether (Backdoor Sluts 9, for all you South Park fans).

4. Internet-based porn is hit-or-miss. You can have decent pay sites, but then you're back to the 'expensive' issue. You can have decent free sites, but then you have tons of pop-ups that slow your system and have the audacity to 'pop up' at the most inopportune times, covering the action. Never mind those nasty little malware sites.. then you face the ultra-embarrassment of taking your computer in to be serviced and explaining how viruses from alt.necrophilia.gerbils.eldritch managed to eat your hard drive (I refuse to check if Rule 34 applies in this case; my faith in humanity is shaky enough).

And of course the ultimate porn truth: most of the time, unless you're engaging in one of the porn-and-lingerie parties I used to host in college, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT PLOT. Admit it, gents- how much time do you spend fast-forwarding through the plot to get to the action? (Devil In Miss Jones 4, I'm looking specifically in your direction)

So, what is a desperately horny, non-financially-solvent, guy/gal to do?

The #1 item on your Christmas list..

Playboy readers (what? there are too articles in it!) will get quite the lovely early Christmas present when the December issue features adult and independent film actress Sasha Grey.


Tagged in 2006 as possibly the next Jenna Jameson (which, no offense intended toward Ms Jameson, but did you *see* that Oprah interview? methinks we can find someone else to compare the talented Ms Grey to), Sasha Grey is a fantastic representation of the new breed of porn star- not just a set of tits and an ass that takes all comers, but business woman who is both model and musician, both erotic and intelligent (her favorite film director is Godard, for fuck's sake!).

The youngest recipient of AVN's award for Female Performer of the Year (2008), as well as multiple other AVN/XRCO awards, Ms Grey came into the adult film world in 2006 with an orgy scene with Rocco Siffredi (Fashionistas 2). She has gone on to star in over 180 additional films...

Aw, hell. You're not here for her biography. If you wanted that, you'd head over to wiki.  No, I know what you want..