MILF? No, thanks..

I had a meeting with a supervisor once that went.. poorly.  Afterward, as I was discussing it with another coworker, I made the comment "If I'd given her a list of things guaranteed to utterly piss me off in a meeting, she couldn't have done any better." 

I react very similarly to porn.  Quick poll:   Raise your hand if you consider yourself a pornography snob.

::looking around::

Just me?  Honestly?  Hmph.  Impossible.  Perhaps this is one of those situations like my class on multiculturalism where the prof asked us to raise our hands if we thought we were prejudiced, and he and I were the only two to do so.

It's okay to admit it, darlings.  Would it make you feel better if I used a less.. loaded word?

Okay.. we all have things we like, and things we dislike, and things we outright avoid.  That makes us.. discerning.  And if we carry that discernment a tad further to 'I prefer that the things I expose myself to fall into this category,' well, that just means we don't like wasting time searching out decent porn when we're horny and need to get off.

Example the first: I am the Hitler of grammar nazis.  Shocking, I know.  :)  Few things take me out of a written fantasy faster than poor spelling/punctuation/etc., and nothing frustrates me more than wanting a good orgasm and instead ending up railing against the current state of education in this country.  On the erotica site I read regularly, I won't open anything that has less than a 4.1 rating because I know I'll be wasting my time otherwise.

Example the second: I like my video-based porn as close to realistic as possible.  It took me a bit, but I eventually got over the 'WTF??!??' reaction to immense, artificially-inflated breasts (though I still have a fleeting thought of 'What department of the Army Corps of Engineers is in charge of manufacturing her bras??').  The recent trend of excessive spitting (and I make a distinction between drooling and spitting) still squicks me out, but.. some people like that kind of thing, obviously.  We are all unique little porn-consuming butterflies.

I put all this out there in advance of my review of Mrs. Emma Starr's oeuvre, because perhaps I'm being a bit harder on her (heh- see what I did there?) than another reviewer would be.  It is possible, even likely, that poor Mrs. Starr is an unfortunate victim of my porn snobbery.  Certainly the fact that a woman not much older than me is allowing herself to be tagged as 'mature' is not doing much to inspire any benevolent feelings toward her.  :)



I'm a girl, but probably have entirely too much testosterone for girl-centric porn to appeal to me (hence my aversion to plot).  I'm also extremely overeducated.  These two things come together in a perfect storm scenario to result in the following: unless you can speak coherently when unscripted, I don't want to hear you trying to string together sentences.  Smart is uber sexy.  Airheaded, not so much.  Mrs. Starr is allegedly a lawyer (I.. have doubts..), and while reviewing her work I spent a *lot* of time wishing someone would shove something in her mouth. 

I always thought it was impossible to not do justice to a gangbang.  And yet.. here we have evidence to the contrary.  I don't know that I'd even stoop to calling that a gangbang- more of a round-robin sort of event.  Perhaps I'm a purist, but I believe in truth in advertising- gangbangs, by definition, must have a minimum of three cocks **seeing action at the same time**.  Not just three cocks in the same room.  You have two hands and three holes for a reason.

I have really long, really thick hair.  It makes for a great handhold, which is why I don't cut it.  ;)  Granted, I don't typically have to worry about making sure that a camera can capture all the action, but you know what?  I still manage to keep my hair out of the way.  In addition to the frequent 'please stick a cock or something in her mouth' thoughts, I kept cycling back to 'LEAVE YOUR HAIR ALONE!   GET A FUCKING HAIR TIE!'  Or, of course, ask the nice gentleman to move it for you.  :)

 
There's something to be said for amateur videos.  And even more to be said for a well-timed, sly glance toward the camera.  But if I'm watching something that's supposedly mass-produced, with a 'name' star, I don't want to hear the director.  Nor do I want the participants looking at the camera more often than they look at each other.. it violates that fourth-wall rule in a way that pulls me completely out of the moment.  There are camera angles that can get the same effect without being quite so obvious.  And there, I think, is the crux of my issue with Mrs. Starr: she's trying too hard.  The low-quality boob job, the mugging for the camera.. she comes across as enjoying the exhibitionism of porn more than the sex, and that makes me feel.. weird.  Oddly like I'm unconsciously supporting her need to be validated, to be considered sexy despite being a mother/older.

All that said, even a stopped clock's right twice a day, and eventually I came across a clip that did a good stopped clock impression.   If you ignore the first three minutes or so, *this* is decent porn.  Incidentally, anyone know who the guy is in that clip?  He's hot as liquid fuck, that one.


Emma, sweetie, fire your agent and directors and hook up with Sasha Grey; she'll make sure you get on the right path.  For those who like her just the way she is- she has an on-going contest on her website (linked above), just in case you have not-so-secret dreams of her sucking you off.