Think of it as foreplay.. I'll get you to the denouement, I promise.
In case you've never thought these sorts of things through, here is a (non-exhaustive) list of your basic (non-print-media) porn truths:
1. If you're purchasing it on DVD/CD (or, god forbid, VHS), it gets ridiculously expensive. Plus it's a bitch cleaning sticky DVDs and remote controls off.
2. Renting it is expensive, a bit embarrassing, and becoming more and more difficult as the nice little Mom and Pop brick-and-mortar stores are eaten up by Netflix.
3. If you're just starting out, you don't really know what you like yet. This leads to potentially winding up with DVDs that you're Just. Not. Into. Or worse, that scare you off porn altogether (Backdoor Sluts 9, for all you South Park fans).
4. Internet-based porn is hit-or-miss. You can have decent pay sites, but then you're back to the 'expensive' issue. You can have decent free sites, but then you have tons of pop-ups that slow your system and have the audacity to 'pop up' at the most inopportune times, covering the action. Never mind those nasty little malware sites.. then you face the ultra-embarrassment of taking your computer in to be serviced and explaining how viruses from alt.necrophilia.gerbils.eldritch managed to eat your hard drive (I refuse to check if Rule 34 applies in this case; my faith in humanity is shaky enough).
And of course the ultimate porn truth: most of the time, unless you're engaging in one of the porn-and-lingerie parties I used to host in college, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT PLOT. Admit it, gents- how much time do you spend fast-forwarding through the plot to get to the action? (Devil In Miss Jones 4, I'm looking specifically in your direction)
So, what is a desperately horny, non-financially-solvent, guy/gal to do?
XVideos (watch that 's' at the end!) is your answer, folks. Everyone from the dilettante to the connoisseur will manage to find *something* on this site to pique their interest. Trust your author on this.
Pros:
- Free.
- Quality videos. Not just amateur, shaky-cam stuff (though if that's your thing, you can find it), but actual clips from mainstream, commercially-distributed movies. Which also means mainstream actors/actresses.
- Never mind 'so easy a caveman can do it'- XVideos is 'so easy your average, inexperienced, blinded-by-hormones (insert age of consent in your neck of the woods) year-old boy can do it.' And we all know how stupid most of *them* can be (I kid because I love, darling readers!).
- This is a veritable smorgasbord of videos- everything from solo excursions to gang bangs, oral to anal, amateur to pro, teens to MILFs, spinners to BBW, hetero- to homo- to bi-sexual, 2-minute clips (for those aforementioned boys) to hour-long wankfests- if you're into it, chances are XVideos has it.
- Frequent updates. They claim a new video is uploaded every 10 minutes. At 178,685 videos as of the time of this writing, you can spend a *lot* of time here.
- Searchable by keyword or tags, and the system recognizes l33t-speak, normally-constructed English, and 'I'm too horny to type coherently.' So you can search on '3sum,' 'threesome,' '3-some,' '3-way,' '3,' and 'menage a trois' and get the same amount of hits. You can also search on star/lette names, if there's someone in particular whose work.. moves you.
- FREE!!!
- No plot! Or at least I have yet to come across a video that lowers itself to such things, even the 30+ minute ones. Research is still being conducted. Enthusiastic, detailed research.
- No forced registration! Which means no weird spam, no having to verify age with a credit card (really, folks- that's just silly), no time wasted logging in. Of course there's the option of registering, but really- the site can be enjoyed just as well either way.
- Once you select a video from the search results, in addition to showing that video it also offers suggestions/links to similar videos that *make sense*.
- Perhaps best of all, if you hover your mouse arrow over any of the screencaps, you get a series of still shots from that video- a sort of non-animated preview, if you will, without even leaving the page.
- Videos are *easily* downloadable to your computer for future enjoyment. If you *do* register, you can bookmark instead.
- DID I MENTION IT'S FREE??!!?? Really. No hidden costs/fees. No 'teaser' videos then demands for $4.99/minute for additional time. Totally, 100% free.
Cons:
We are going for full disclosure, poppets, so there has to be *something* in this category.
- Because they've eliminated the unnecessary plot, some of the videos start/end at odd moments, especially videos that are more montages than straight clips. Indeed, I was watching a lovely little spanking video the other night, and just as that poor girl's ass was really getting red, *everything* changed- actress, actor, set. Frustrating, let me tell you.
- It's rare for the tag/summary to have the full information on where the clip is from. So if I come across something that I enjoy, and would like to see (or purchase) the full movie, it takes a bit of research on my part to figure out the title. This also leads to arguments in the comments sections of whether or not the tags are correct regarding actress names (because apparently hell hath no fury like a porn viewer jerking off to the wrong actress).
- I perhaps exaggerated a tiny bit in saying 'something for everyone.' There are no animal videos. Sorry to the donkey show fans out there- you'll have to find your entertainment elsewhere.
- The ads are.. weird. And a bit distracting at times. And I am a little too cynical to believe that the huge-breasted, doe-eyed, barely-18 sylph in the ad actually lives in a nearby town and wants to hook up with me (never mind that I don't have the.. equipment.. she's looking for, other than what I've got stashed in the nightstand). But no pop-ups, and if you go to full-screen mode when watching the video it's not a problem.
- Ideally you want a top-notch internet connection and decent computer. This is true, of course, for all internet-based porn, not just XVideos; if you're trying to watch a 45-minute video on dialup and Windows 98, it's just not going to work the way you'd like it to.
I have yet to venture into the XVideos 'community'- I have a site already that holds my interest, and I am nothing if not loyal to my XXX bulletin boards- so I can't speak to the positives/negatives of it. If you, dear reader, happen to pop in there, please leave a comment below with your thoughts!
There.. *now* you may go and indulge. Clear your calendar for a while, and have plenty of washcloths on.. err.. hand. Enjoy, darlings!
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