Part One.. Random musings..

Let's give you a peek in my head for a bit, darling readers.  Yes, I know it's a scary place, all dark and cobwebby, with odd noises every now and again, but I promise that as long as you don't wander too far off on your own, you'll be safe.

Just.. do stick to the path, please.  ;)



I have two things that are at the forefront of my mind, both having to do with my service to the Master, which are keeping me a bit distracted.  Not in a good or bad way.. just sort of there, like the hum of a florescent light.  An ebbing and flowing buzzing that becomes more noticeable when I focus on it, but most of the time lives just at the edge of my awareness.  Sometimes I'll take a moment to turn these things over in my head, consider them like fascinating little gems, then put them back when I can't effectively puzzle them out.  Sometimes they're a lot more distracting.. I currently have four blog entries sitting in my draft folder, all in various stages of completion, none of which are moving forward because every time I try to attend to them I just circle back toward that humming light.  Moth to a flame and all that.

For a while I blamed it on the painkillers.  But I'm well done with that (thankfully brief) particular part of my recovery, and yet the distraction is still there.  So I'm hoping that by typing it all out, putting some order to it, I'll either have resolved it (as much as it can be) or feel comfortable about setting it aside for now.

Keep walking this way.. watch your footing, please.  Gets a little tricky around these parts.

When I first began this journey, I understood cognitively that there would be a significant difference between my previous, real-time D/s experience and what I would be able to experience through an on-line partnership.  Never mind that there are real-world constraints that have to be taken into account/worked around, mostly on my end (his are primarily time-related, mine are.. entirely too complicated and depressing to enumerate).

I felt that I was going into this endeavor with my eyes open, boundaries and priorities in place, emotions firmly in check.  Safe in my choice of masters- though the distance creates a certain degree of frustration, it also makes it easier to hold back a little, not become completely emotionally invested before I was ready (in case you can't tell, I have trust issues. LOL).

I was.. incorrect.

He's drawing me in further and further, beyond where I'd planned to go when I first conceived of this relationship.  And he's doing it with things that appear so damn simple on the face, but are much more meaningful when taking other things into consideration.  Intentionally, perhaps.. it is, after all, his 'job' to find ways of binding me to him, and since the emotional/psychological aspect of our binding is heightened due to the physical limitations, anything he chooses to use to strengthen our bond is fair game.

There is, naturally, the chance that it is unintentional, accidental.  I haven't yet decided which explanation would be easier for me to handle.

I can hear you scratching your collective heads in confusion, dear readers.  Not to worry; all will be made clear(er).. stay with me.

I am referred to as 'his' all the time (whichever one of us is doing the referring)- his slut, his pet, his whore.  It pleases me that he does so, because the action of claiming lends a legitimacy to the relationship, and shows a certain level of affection.  As I told him, to *be* a slut requires no real ability; to be claimed by someone as *their* slut is completely different. 

Remember that entry I wrote back at the beginning of November, where I painstakingly worked out how I would refer to the Master here?  I said that names are important.  I also clearly pointed out that I am referred to as his because I am his, but the reverse is not true, and as such I do not have the right to call him anything involving the possessive tense.

Well.  He threw a big-ass wrench into the system recently by signing off one of his emails as 'your Master.'  Most people wouldn't even bat an eye at such a phrase.  However, 'most people' =/ 'me'  (and what a damn good thing that is on most days- one of me is more than enough).   I picked up on it right away, because for me it changes things significantly.  Against my better judgment, I pointed out his phrasing; I thought it would be best to give him a chance to take it back if he'd done it unintentionally.

Not only has he not taken it back, he appears to seriously be stepping up his plan to drive me utterly insane with need/lust.  But it's.. weird.  To be claimed, but not really claimed.  An odd sort of limbo, probably manageable if it weren't for the second part of my issue.

Which, dear readers, will be discussed in part two, so this entry doesn't become ridiculously long.. :)